“Matt and Kathy flying in from New Jersey ….. a beautiful day with no clouds …… Dr. Sanders is an idiot …. ”
Snippets of Cassie’s mellifluous voice, shrouded with anxiety, dipped into a murmur every so often, just as it did whenever Cassie poured out her many distresses to Lily: Having an affair and trying to hide it from David; grappling with loyalty to her husband and her lover; hating herself for causing David’s heartbreak after he finally discovered her clandestine affair one Friday afternoon; despairing over David’s decision to end their ten year marriage; and struggling to raise her two children, Matt and Kathy, while working. And Lily patiently listened, always. That was her role in their friendship. Cassie talked, and Lily listened. And Cassie never asked. At least not the questions Lily would like to have answered -- if Lily wanted to witness David and Cassie’s elopement or if Lily’s high school crush on David was more than a crush. Cassie, after all, counted on Lily. Lily knew that Cassie never doubted the fidelity of their friendship, just as a child unquestioningly believed in Santa Claus. Fifty-four years, Lily thought with a bemused annoyance, only gave Cassie wrinkles, a plumper body, and silver hair. How fitting that Lily should still be listening to Cassie, unable to move, in this hospital bed.
“Lily?”
4:24 p.m. After three hours of an emergency conference call, exhaustion finally forced Lily to slump back into her crushed black leather chair and to deeply drink in the much too familiar office-mustiness. She gazed at the mounds of note pads and paper stacks covering her desk that she managed to finally clean off only last night. Less than 24 hours later, Lily was, as usual, strapped to her black headset that seamlessly disappeared into her hair, and the desk once again disappeared beneath the forest of papers.
“Cassie? Hey you!? I don’t suppose you want to come down to my office and yell at a couple of folks procrastinating in my team for me, would you?” Despite Lily’s jocund tone, her heart palpitated until she thought her skin would dissipate.
Muffled and distressed, Cassie blurted tearfully, “Lily, David left me! It’s awful. I know I never should have cheated. But last Friday, when I finally tried to tell Chris that I didn’t want to see him anymore, David walked in! I couldn’t believe it. Oh Lily… he is so heartbroken … it breaks my heart that I did this to him. No matter how sorry I am, he doesn’t want to see me. How can I fix this? What am I going to do??”
Does she have the right to ask how she can fix this? Lily thought bitterly. How could she believe she deserves David after cheating on him? Lily stood up from her chair and briefly faced her window, but ignored the cloudless sky and the unbroken sky-mirrored San Francisco bay. Instead, she started pacing next to her window, back and forth, back and forth, three steps each way. Cassie’s actions and words justified Lily’s own actions and words. And for one iota of moment, Lily’s bouncing knot disappeared as she clenched her right fist in the air.
“Cassie, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say.” Words somehow squeezed themselves out from Lily’s burning, tight throat. Lily watched her scuffed black pumps continuing to beat down the faded-red carpet.
“Maybe I deserve this. I should have been happy with David – being his wife,” Cassie crumbled, “Ten years. I know it sounds awful, but after ten years of just being a mother and a wife, I felt … trapped … that I’m supposed to be … just this. Not like you. You are doing everything you said you would do. Everything you set out to do. I know it’s no excuse. But just for a moment, when I was with Chris, I felt free -- no shirts to iron, dinners to cook, kids to pick up from school – and I felt like I could do anything. I felt I could be more than just... just this.”
Lily stopped pacing. She raised her head slowly and unclenched her fist. She caught sight of the dust-layered picture of David, Cassie and herself at the Ocean Beach during a summer break from college, toppling over each other with wildly uncontrollable limbs and matching laughter snapped so artlessly in their places. It was framed and dwarfed by the paper-mountains on either side, all their laughter now just as dusty as the picture.
“We were so young, Cassie, what did we really know about what we wanted to do when we grew up?”
“Maybe. In any case, I know that’s not an excuse. Deep down, I have always loved David, even if my life ended up as just... this. Even with all the stupid things I have to do everyday, I want to be with him. Always. But it doesn’t matter… he can't even talk to me. I'm scared, Lily. I don't think he will ever forgive me. I don't think I can ever erase the pain I created.”
Cassie’s genuine despair poured from the headset until Cassie’s heartache imbued Lily’s body, from the tip of her toes to the ends of her hair. Just as Cassie’s undisguised ecstasy burst through every crevice of Lily when Cassie excitedly confided in her that David and Cassie planned to marry right after the college graduation ceremony and that Lily must be their witness. An agitated, invisible wolf started to chomp through Lily’s stomach, until Lily lurched forward toward her desk and leaned against a column of paper precariously supporting her.
“Look, I’ll try to talk to him. No guarantees, though. I hope you guys can work through this. If I can’t watch you guys grow old together, who’s going to be my role model for a happy couple?”
“Lily! Ohhhh, Lily!! Yes, please, please talk to him. Make him see it was all a terrible mistake, and I still love him. Tell him I'll do anything... anything! I love you so much!! What would we do without you? Thank you, thank you! I know he will listen to you! You are my only hope!” Hope and gratitude lifted Cassie’s quivering voice.
And Cassie’s infectious hope tamed the wolf inside Lily. Yes, Lily thought, I will talk to David. This was all a terrible mistake.
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